At Ease!



Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who had retired to the Gold Coast hinterland, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I had difficulties obtaining an Australian Business Number as I hadn't registered as a business.

Then the Department of Industrial Relations rejected my application for registration as a workplace, as my tent had not complied with the Workplace Health and Safety regulations.

Then there was the Owner-Builder licence from the Qld Building Standards Authority.  Ayyy!

I needed a Shire Council permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Government Court for a decision.

The matter is still with the Lawyers drawing a defence.

Then the Department of Main Roads demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving a wide load and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting native hardwood in order to save the ring-tail glider possum. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the ring-tail glider possum, but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Department of Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental safety audit on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Anti-Discrimination Tribunal on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Department of Immigration and Naturalization is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.

Trades Hall say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Federal Commissioner of Taxation seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."